Monday, November 5, 2007

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s sports shorts.

Actress Katie Holmes ran the New York City Marathon on Sunday in 5 hours, 29 minutes and 58 seconds. She likely could have posted a better time if Tom Cruise hadn’t forced her to hand out scientology pamphlets along the way.

Sammy Sosa wants to play in the Major Leagues next year, provided a team offers him a contract for at least $7 million. Apparently cork is more expensive than it looks.

Detroit quarterback Jon Kitna dressed up as a naked man for a teammate's Halloween party last week. It was an appropriate choice since he’s been exposing his shortcomings all season long.

The last ball from Boston's 2007 World Series victory has mysteriously gone missing. Sources close to Doug Mientkiewicz report that the veteran first baseman is already working on his alibi.

Boston knuckleballer Tim Wakefield expects to undergo an arthrogram on his right shoulder this week. On the positive side, Wakefield is probably the only pitcher in the league who could be confined to an iron lung and still make 35 starts.

Los Angeles forward Lamar Odom sustained a slight concussion in an automobile accident. The force of the crash was reportedly so severe that Odom is now convinced the Lakers have a shot at the championship.

NBA commissioner David Stern has said that the Knicks are "not a model of intelligent management." Isn’t that a little bit like saying “Michael Jackson is not a good babysitter”?

San Francisco 49ers kicker Joe Nedney has been fined $7,500 for giving the finger to a group of fans in New Orleans. You have to love a city where flashing your breasts will get you a handful of beads but flipping the bird will get you a massive fine.

A judge who sentenced Philadelphia Eagles coach Andy Reid's sons to jail likened the coach's home to "a drug emporium." In related news, former runningback Ricky Williams has asked if he can come over for the weekend.

Lakers owner Jerry Buss has been suspended two games and fined $25,000 by the NBA for his drunk driving charge. In his defense, paying Vladimir Radmanovic $5 million a season would drive anyone to drink.

Spanish researchers say that beer is better than water for re-hydrating after a hard workout. That certainly explains how John Daly managed to win the 1991 PGA Championship.

Yankees manager Joe Girardi has revealed that he will wear No. 27. The number has special significance since it represents the number of players on his roster who will be making more money than he is.