Monday, January 5, 2009

You've Got To Be Joking

Sit back and relax as you enjoy this week’s Sports Shorts.

Sales of Plaxico Burress' No. 17 jersey have fallen off by 75% over the past month. It’s a huge drop off from a year ago when his replica jerseys were as hot as a pistol.

The Chicago Cubs have signed Aaron Miles to a two-year contract. The Cubbies decided to acquire the veteran infielder after hearing they were still Miles away from contending for a World Series title.

John Daly has been suspended for six months by the PGA tour. It sounds like he finally discovered the “A” in PGA doesn’t stand for “alcohol.”

The Detroit Red Wings beat the Chicago Blackhawks in the NHL’s Winter Classic. It’s nice to know the Cubs aren’t the only Chicago franchise capable of losing big at Wrigley.

A construction worker at the new Yankee Stadium was taken to a hospital after falling off a mobile scaffold. Yankees fans haven’t seen a collapse that dramatic since last August.

CBS Sports has hired Tom Arnold to star in a new web series about heckling. It’s the perfect project for a man who’s been called every name in the book.

The NHL Network recently aired a segment featuring the Dallas Stars’ Ice Girls frolicking on a yacht in their bikinis. The two minute clip has been blamed for already causing 10,000 spontaneous cases of high sticking.

A Portland man was arrested after police found him driving a Zamboni erratically at a local arena. The driver has since been sentenced to 2,000 minutes in the penalty box.

Boston College knocked off top-ranked North Carolina with a stirring 85-78 victory in Chapel Hill. The outcome was so shocking that Tyler Hansbrough nearly blinked.

Former American Gladiators star, Nitro, has admitted to using steroids while he was on the show in the early 90’s. The news comes as a shock to millions of viewers who thought it was perfectly natural to have man-boobs the size of watermelons.

Shaquille O'Neal has just re-listed his Miami Beach estate for $25 million - $10 million less than its original asking price. A Shaq product hasn’t fetched this little interest since Kazaam.